Saving lives begins with a question

Saving lives begins with a question

For many reasons, suicide as a cause of death is often left out of written obituaries, conversations and family histories.
Isolation and lack of connection are often major ingredients of despair. "If you see someone in distress, and feel safe talking to them, just start a conversation," says Emily Warfle of Schuyler County Mental Health. Warfle is co-chair of Schuyler County's Suicide Awareness For Everyone (SAFE) program with Marc McDowell, who also serves as Mental Health Director for Schuyler County.
"Be direct in asking if they are thinking of suicide," Warfle continues. "If they say yes, try to get them to speak to someone they trust right away. Then connect them with a trained mental health provider. A helpful practice is to continue to check in on them. Ask how they are doing. Even if they answered 'no' to thoughts of suicide, it is good to keep people from feeling isolated."
It can be a difficult question to ask, particularly if it means reaching out to a stranger or someone you don't know well. But a simple "Hey, are you okay?" can make a huge difference. Very possibly they're not okay. Warfle says it can be key to know ahead of time where to find help if the answer seems uncertain.
Equally sticky is talking to someone you do know. Perhaps you've observed changes, someone who's quieter, less social, or otherwise different from their usual self, McDowell says. Perhaps their usual routines have altered. Major life changes or setbacks affect those who experience them in a variety of ways. The pandemic increased feelings of isolation and hopelessness for many. An awareness of others' hard times might prompt reaching out.
One of SAFE's goals is to make suicide and suicide prevention more known and more talked about. "Years ago, no one talked about drinking and driving," Warfle says. "We're bringing suicide to a point where it's more normal to talk about."
Informative resources can be found on the website of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (afsp.org). Among their recommendations are "Assume you're the only one reaching out," and noticing symptoms of another person's difficulties. They suggest remaining with the distressed person, actively listening, but not trying to "fix" them, for as long as needed. Their website includes sample conversations. Being present, helping them connect with help and working with them to remove lethal means of harm may help bridge the crisis.
"One in four people will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime, so we're all in this together," says Sarah Thompson of the Yates County Suicide Prevention Coalition, a freestanding community-based organization run by volunteers. Thompson's brother died by suicide ten years ago.
"There's a myth that there's one major cause for someone to be suicidal like a breakup or financial disaster," she notes. "Often there is no single cause, but multiple things happening at once." Additionally, among the less obvious changes to note might be someone who suddenly gives away their possessions, becomes uncharacteristically cheerful, or seeks out friends and relatives to say goodbye. Physical pain and emotional pain can be factors. It's important to pay attention because someone experiencing deep emotional pain, like someone in chronic physical pain, often becomes adept at hiding it.
"Anyone, at any time, can get to a crisis point," she says. "Think of some of your own most physically painful experiences, maybe a broken bone or childbirth, and think back to that moment your pain was at its worst. Could you give someone clear and accurate directions to your house? That kind of pain makes higher-level thinking impossible. Options don't seem available at that time. The person may not have the ability to understand that. It's a matter of giving people space and helping them feel supported in that critical moment."
And you won't necessarily know that support is needed unless you ask. "When your gut feeling is something's off, the first thing you can do is ask the question. And this is where people get stuck." So Thompson suggests ways to break the ice. "I've heard you say this... I noticed... that didn't seem like you. How can I help? Are you okay? Then, Are you thinking about suicide, about hurting yourself? You need to be direct, unbiased and non-judgmental. Asking people does not increase the amount of suicides," she says. "Acknowledging what's going on may actually reduce suicidal ideation."
Being present and listening without judgment are learned skills. "If someone's saying, 'I feel hopeless, I just want to die,' or 'I feel like I'm a burden, like I'm trapped' --take it seriously. Culturally, we don't want to take it seriously. We want to make it go away."
Taking time to listen may be less dramatic than rescuing someone from drowning, but can have the same life-saving effect. "The majority of people who have suicidal ideation are of two minds about it," Thompson says. "By asking the question it opens the door for them to express how they're feeling, which gives them time to put between acting on impulse or not. That's a real key to prevention - creating time between the impulse and carrying it out. Then, once you ask you actually have to listen and take it seriously, not ignore or diminish. Why is there so much emotional pain? They might communicate why they want to stay alive. We need to listen to everything they're saying."
There's help and support for people with suicide on their mind--whether it's the person struggling with ideas about self-harm, those who'd like to help them, and those dealing with the grief of another person's suicide. Wherever you are, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 988, or the Crisis Text Line at 741741. To connect with a counselor in Schuyler County, call 607-535-8282. Steuben County Mental Health offers crisis therapists and a mobile crisis unit that may be reached during business hours at 607-664-2255; there's also a crisis therapist on-call after hours at 607-937-7800.
"We volunteer our time as suicide prevention and supporting those who have lost loved ones to suicide is something each of us are passionate about," says Steuben County's Jessica Frawley.
Membership in SAFE (Schuyler County) is free and open to the community--if interested, contact them via Schuyler County Public Health.